Reflection 1 - Power – the Ability to Affect Change (Martin Luther King)

I’m so often inspired by my students and the young people I get to work with. I learn so much for their openness, their wisdom, their capacity for this relational work. One of my critical friends for my research was one of my beloved students, I want to share real names to honour them here but I am not sure if that’s OK so I will call him ‘Terence’. What a kid!! He had gotten into some trouble in his earlier school years and when we learned about the restorative approach, when he had the opportunity to receive training he was such a natural ‘Relationship Keeper’. I wonder did his varied experiences offer him deep insights into the isolation and damage that a punitive system can create and the need for an alternative opening that allows for empathy, growth and healing. His emotional intelligence and conflict literacy skills were an example to us all. He often co-facilitated circles with the teachers in my research study and sometimes coached us on how maybe best to frame something to foster community over compliance!

 If I had had the chance to do RP in first year I can guarantee you I wouldn’t have got in so much trouble, it would have had a bigger effect on my life than it has already. It works so well and I have helped kids with their problems and it makes me feel good when I help them.”

                                      Terence, 5th Relationship Keeper

Reflection 2 – Cultivating ‘Ways we Move through the World… (Leaf Seligman)

Another student of mine, again we will call him ‘Andy’ was also a huge agent of change and peace (and fun!!!) in our class. This young man, like us all, was a sum of all his parts – he could be aggressive if met confrontationally, he could be a ‘lil messer’ that drove me mad at times too, and he could be such a compassionate source of wisdom when the space was created to channel this through our circles. Of course, our students are far greater than the sum of their behavioural parts and I learned so much from him. We co-facilitated some circles around issues that I am genuinely unsure how we could have dealt with effectively as a community without building the capacity for such a process. This doesn’t happen in a day but is nurtured over time accompanied by an on-going commitment. Our Connect RP Gift this month offers a circle template and target sheet that you can download here, with an outline of Covid variations, that you may find helpful to support your practice.

You can also watch, this example of a problem solving circles in the early days, far from perfect but full of connection.

I truly miss my connection with young people a lot, if I’m being honest, my work feels lonelier in some ways than it used to. When I feel this way, I bring to my heart a letter that ‘Andy’ wrote to me on my departure from school, (truth be told…probably the longest piece of writing he offered me in the five years I was lucky enough to teach him J!). Within it he wishes me well, he tells me he’ll miss me but that he thinks I am doing the right thing, how what we did together taught him about our world and how he wishes to reside within it, it taught him how he wants to live his life. His words give me a little reassuring nudge when I need it and a reminder that I am doing what I am meant to do in the world.

I hand-on-heart have witnessed and experienced the impact of growing such a culture and capacity among our students in and out of school. Students often share about bringing this way of thinking and being into their own homes too.

      The questions really work ... it can be hard for people to sit in the same room as the person they have hurt or been hurt by, then listening to what they have to say about how they feel about you. This is why it works really well though. I think it could work for life, I even try them with my mam!

                                       ‘Raquel’, 5th Year Relationship Keeper

I actually bumped into one of my gorgeous ex-student Relationship Keepers, ‘Sarah’, a few weeks ago who had a tough time when she became pregnant at a very young age. I wasn’t at all surprised to see her thriving now and her warmth as a mam but I was genuinely taken aback when she said to her little fella,

 ‘Here ‘Nathan’, tell the Miss, don’t we use the wooden spoon as a talking piece around the table at home’

I couldn’t believe it, I remember other uses and threats of the wooden spoon when I was a kid. I really needed to hear that that day – a joyful reminder that we are modelling ways to move through the world!

Reflection 3 …It is only in an un-condemned state can anyone change…

(Margaret-Love Denman)

My final share is from another young man I got to connect with in one of the youth leadership groups I got to work with called ‘Jake’. He told me about the Babemba Tribe in South Africa and how our workshops reminded him of what he knew of their philosophy, living the principle that we are inherently good through their community practice. When someone is born in their tribe, each individual is gifted their own song. If a member of their tribe does something ‘wrong’, they gather around them in a circle and take turns to remind the ‘wrongdoer’(person who has caused harm) of something good they have done; a reason why they like/love/value them. They understand that the correction of poor behaviour is not punishment, but love and the remembrance of identity. They believe a teacher or role model, is someone who knows their song and sings it to them when they have forgotten it.  Imagine a world like that!